I’ve selfishly come to terms with my own death, but lately it has felt like I’ve entered the age where shit’s getting real, where those around me are being affected by things I have not come to terms with. Friends are married, having their first child, expecting their second and in some cases third. Words like autism and cancer are hitting a little too close to home. Where shit that used to get a reaction out of me, that used to solicit an action from me, is now just a moot point that I wouldn’t even raise my middle finger to address. It scares me a little but it’s nothing a quick downward spiral or an empty bottle of rum can’t fix, right?
It seems I’m past the age of fist fights, of arguments that really won’t get resolved by shouting, of measuring dick sizes. Look, homie, we’re the same size but not the same thing. Don’t get me wrong, there are still a few key things that will set me off, but for the most part I’m not that guy anymore, I’ll defuse things if possible. I like walking tall but not for being able to intimate and beat up, no, now it’s to stop it before it starts, to protect and defend that which is close to me or belongs to me. The “glory” days, the all or nothing days are more than a few days back now.
I used to always have an opinion, sometimes a theory on autism when I saw some pie chart on the news about it. It was either the pharmaceutical companies finding a new cash cow or over sensitive parents trying to explain why their son wasn’t like everyone else. It reminded me too much of Mother of America and what they’ve done to my beloved Corps. But it wasn’t until seeing it up close that I realized I don’t know shit. I got no kids, the ones I’ve been close to have been for mere hours, I don’t see them off to bed and I’m not there when they wake. I don’t know what it feels like to have a pregnant partner who worries about those things. But that time is coming I imagine, I’m at the age where I’m in line at least.
A few years back I knew friends parents that had survived cancer, or had lost a parent to cancer. Now I know someone who survived it, I know someone who is waiting on results and even someone who just got negative results. Unfortunately, I know someone who’s cancer came back, she’s a trooper though and I know she’ll make it through. I can’t even imagine what that phone call must have been like, she’s my friend, has been for a long time, it’s a terrible feeling to feel helpless. I’m not a praying man, but my thoughts are with her. My thoughts are in a few places right now in this matter.
Yeah, my death is nothing, I die and it all ends there. No more worries, no more pain, nothing but the unknown and hopefully that is just a big light show and nothing else. This age I’ve come into is something I can’t beat up, I can’t ignore and let it go away. It’s a pressing force that requires my attention for the rest of my life.