The BBQ scene

INTERIOR OF CAR.  DRIVING THROUGH A RESIDENTIAL AREA.

 

RAY

Thanks for coming bro, these type of get together are boring as fuck.  It’s like the richer you get, the duller you become.

 

CHRIS

Well unless you get money through stardom, I’ve heard that’s fun.  I mean they look like their having fun in those US Weekly magazines at the grocery store.

 

RAY

Well this guy got it through his PHD, so that’s the opposite of fun I hear.

 

CHRIS

No shit?  What kind of doctor is he?

 

RAY

Actually I don’t know.  But I know my sister was impressed by it when they met.

 

CAR STOPS IN FRONT OF LARGE HOUSE, MANSION LIKE.

 

RAY

Ok, we’re here.

 

CHRIS

What’s his name again?

 

RAY

Doug.  Ok lets go.

 

EXTERIOR.  BACKYARD OF LARGE HOUSE.  RAY AND CHRIS STANDING BY A BAR.

 

RAY

Can you believe this shit.  This dude’s got a taco cart in here, for my sister’s side of the family.  Right next to a sushi bar, an open bar, a live band and a fucking chocolate fountain.  You don’t even have to dip your own strawberries, he’s got a dude for that too!  It’s like marrying into royalty, but not.

 

CHRIS

This is pretty sick man.

 

PAUSE.

 

How fucking poor are we that this is what we’re impressed by?

 

RAY

Speak for yourself, I’m marrying into this.  

 

A MAN APPROACHES RAY AND CHRIS STILL AT THE BAR.

 

RAY

Doug! This is a great party man.

 

DOUG

Thanks.  Hey you’re sister’s looking for you.

 

RAY

Oh okay, I’ll see you guys in a bit.

 

RAY EXITS.

 

CHRIS

This IS a great party man.

 

DOUG

Thanks, I’m glad you guys could make it.

 

CHRIS

Anytime.  Seriously, any time.

 

PAUSE.

 

So Ray wasn’t specific, but what kind of doctor are you?

 

DOUG

Oh I’m not a doctor.

 

CHRIS

Oh I’m sorry I think I misunderstood Ray.  I thought he said you had a doctorate.

 

DOUG

Oh that, yes I have a PHD.  A PHD on doctorates.

 

CHRIS

So you are a doctor?

 

DOUG

By title mostly.

 

CHRIS
Ok, so what field do you specialize in?

 

DOUG

All of them.

 

CHRIS

What do you mean?

 

DOUG

I know what all doctors know.

 

CHRIS

Wow!  I didn’t know there was a way to do that, or that it was possible.  How did you pull that of?

 

DOUG

Study your butt off, that’s about all I can say.  Its not that big of deal really.

 

CHRIS
But I mean to be able to just step in and do what any doctor can do.

 

DOUG

Oh no I cant do what doctors do.

 

CHRIS

 

PUZZLED.

 

I thought you said you knew what all doctors knew?

 

DOUG
Yes I do.  I specialize in knowing what doctors know.

 

MATTER OF FACT LOOK ON HIS FACE.

 

I know what all doctors should know.

 

CHRIS

So you studied to know what…

PAUSE.

Doctors…should

 

PAUSE.

 

Know?

But you don’t actually do any doctoral things, like saving lives, or animals or anything.  You don’t even fight gingivitis?

 

DOUG

No.

 

OFFENDED.

 

My doctorate is on doctors, not medicine.

 

CHRIS

PENSIVE.

 

Huh, a doctorate on doctors.

 

DOUG

Yep.

 

LOOKS AROUND, HANDS IN HIS TROUSER POCKETS.

 

CHRIS

LOOKS AROUND.

 

Well you must be good at what you do, this is an impressive house.

 

DOUG

I do ok, but thank you. 

 

If you’ll excuse me.

 

DOUG EXITS.

 

RAY ENTERS.

 

RAY

BEWILDERED LOOK ON HIS FACE.

Have you ever heard of a PHD in doctorates?

 

CHRIS

Yeah…study of doctors if I’m correct.

 

RAY

Yeah.

 

CHRIS AND RAY BOTH LOOK AROUND, PANORAMIC-LIKE AT THE LARGE HOUSE.