The music's not over...

The three greatest influences of my life, so far, have been The Doors, Bukowski and Jack Kerouac.

I was introduced to The Doors by a friend of one of my older brothers.  He used to dress like the Crow.  Brandon Lee's The Crow in case there was any confusion, i know some of you young bucks might not recall that.  He played their first album and talked to me about him and it sparked something that has lasted a little over two decades and many, many t-shirts.  There was just something different, something raw, poetic and sad about Jim Morrison's whole story.  But, in the end you accepted that it was how it was supposed to be, there was no other way he could have lived his life.  Though i had no way to compare myself to it at all, i felt like i could listen to him all day every day. 

It was just not Jim after a while though, no, he needed the rest of The Doors in order to convey his message.  Without them he was just a jester with no court upon to perform.  I always felt the true leader of that troupe was Ray Manzarek though, he founded the group and kept it together for the little time they actually were together.  A talented musician who saw the potential in this young poet and the potential they could have in history together.  The Doors were what The Beatles are for others, or The Stones, or Led Zep.  I can honestly say there isn't a month in my life when i don't listen to them or subject someone else to have to.

Ray died today and saddened me a bit.  It seems like lately i've been writing because i'm happy or i'm sad.  The original post i was working on will now have to wait, this is a little more important.  I'll end this post with an anecdote of how i almost met another Doors member.

It was high school and i was seeing this very nice jewish girl.  I had a birthday coming up and she knew of my fascination with The Doors, she told me was able to facilitate a meeting with John Densmore.  Her grandmother was friends with his grandmother and she wanted to give me a meeting with him for my birthday.  This was during a time when i was not as bright as i am now, in a time when i was heavily influenced by the unauthorized biographies of semi acquaintances of Doors members and the specifically the movie The Doors, written and directed by Oliver Stone.  If you know anything about Oliver Stone that should tell you that maybe you shouldn't take his word as stone, he seems to lean towards one side quite heavily.  I was 16, what did i know.  Needless to say i politely declined.

In retrospect i will say, you can't change the past.

Having said that, i am an idiot.

Ray Manzarek, you were born to be beautiful and to show beauty and you will be missed.

This is where Skywalker yells "NOOOOOO!!!!"

I would like to apologize to any black person and any dark skinned person that has heard me say “I want light skinned children” who was offended.  Hearing that out of context, yes, makes me sound like a racist.  But, allow me to explain the entire conversation that was missed.  By doing so, I know that not only will I confirm your initial thought of my racism, but, you can also add coward to it and also stupid. 

 

The reason why I’m addressing this issue is fairly simple, too many people have heard it and too many people I’m with at the time have called me out on it.  Not the racism part, which what does that say about them, but the “didn’t you see the black girl next to you?” or my personal favorite “how could you say that to him, his best friend is black”.  Ladies and gentlemen, I have my reasons as I will now explain.  Not to justify my stance as much as express my freedom of speech.

 

Here we go.

 

Growing up in LA, MacArthur Park to be exact, as an illegal immigrant you got to see a good share of violence and danger but not much racism.  We were sheltered from the outside world in that little Central American utopia.  Unfortunately, my mother wanted us to learn outside our means.  So she sent us to schools in better neighborhoods while still living within our means.  Like I said though, no racism, or so I thought.

 

So I’m in HS talking to my friends about elementary school and it hits me, there was only one black kid in my elementary school for ONE semester.  It wasn’t until I was in High School, HIGH SCHOOL, that I realized that.  Mar Vista Elementary was in the residential area in the city of Santa Monica, so, big money.  48% of the students lived in the neighborhood, white kids, 48% were shipped in on yellow school buses, Latino kids, and somehow like 4 Asians snuck in when we weren’t looking.  That’s a joke, relax people, just trying to release all this racial tension in the air. 

 

Junior High and High School were uneventful, if I ever beat up someone other than Latino it was cause they had it coming not cause of the color of their skin.  After HS joined the Marines, and well, we don’t see color there.  We’re all dumb, good for nothing recruits who can’t even wipe their own asses correctly, color has no factor when it comes to stupid in the Marines.

 

After that I didn’t see racism until I became a trucker for those years, well there was all that racial profiling while I was working Loss Prevention for a department store.  That shouldn’t count though, considering it was me doing most of the profiling, but, that’s neither here nor there.  As a trucker, driving through major cities and so many minor cities, you speak to a lot of people.  Some great, open minded individuals.  Way too many foul mouths spewing all the hatred that can only come from generations of hand me downs.  The scariest part being that they mean and believe it.

 

So, a little background on me.  I am not your typical Latino, for one, I think I’m white.  Secondly, I have little to no accent when I speak.  Finally, I am light skinned, well light enough to not automatically be assumed to be Latino.  Now, put all those together and I can pass by unnoticed or in most cases be included in groups of white people.  And, that’s when racism pops it’s ugly little head.

 

So here’s the thing.  No one’s been directly racist to me, nope, I’ve heard some ignorant shit, seen some prejudice and read about plenty of bad shit done in the name of skin color all throughout history.  You know what, that shit scares me.  Mainly cause you can’t shoot it dead, you can’t eventually over come it, it has absolutely no cure and is random as fuck.

 

One thing I want to make clear before I continue, I believe that every race has these same examples.  Every race has faced the same obstacles, blacks have had the worst by far.  I am not playing the violin for all those poor helpless latinos that can’t even get a break, no, far from it, I am taking the cowards way out and not playing at all.  I’m actually advocating being really quiet and hopefully just going unnoticed. 

 

I look at all these things, include my life experience wearing this skin and I say “I want light skinned kids”.  That stupid sentence, cowardly embodies the only security I can give my unborn children.  Because I can’t promise them financial security, or that my drinking won’t incur hardships, worst of all that my lack of a male parental figure will make me unable to be a good father, I want to provide for them the one thing I might have some control over. 

 

They will be fighters, they will have confidence in themselves, they will be artistic, they will know right from wrong, they will live fulfilled lives.  What I have hope they wont have is a crutch, a chink in their armor that the enemy can see a mile away.  It’s stupid to think this way, I know, but there are too many parts of this world that see things very simply put, in black and white.  I’d rather they not thread the line but infiltrate and attack from within, nothing like being the cavalry that flanks the enemy and helps turn the tide.  Defense is fine but the offense usually comes a little better prepared.

 

In the end I’ve become what I want my children to avoid, I’ve become a racist person that sees the world in black and white.  I’ve become that person that I’ve hated growing up, the privileged naïve kid that has never been to the bad part of town, or that is so closed minded to the troubles in the world that you just want to smack them in the head for saying the most ignorant yet most innocent things.  Because they have been sheltered by parents that wanted the best for them, parents who saw the bad in the world and rather than try and fight an unbeatable monster instead chose to avoid it and hide.

The Descent Begins and My Pen Braces For Impact

It's on!  My latest collection of poems is available for download on KINDLE. 

I would like to thank my podcast co-host Juan, not only for the eye catching cover, but for putting the idea that, well in his words "do it, why not".  It wasn't even a question, it was just common sense.  Thank you for that sir.
Also to my friends and people who encourage me to continue doing this, like my family, they have all just pushed me on instead of questioned it.  I'm a very lucky man for all of them.

It should be available on paperback soon, i'll keep everyone posted.  I love technology but, just like a comic book, holding it in my hand to read just feels better.  But please, get it on KINDLE, dont listen to me, find out for yourself.

Again, thank you all.

You are now entering, The Twilight Zone.

It's one of my favorite shows, they did so much with writing that your imagination did the rest.  Some of my favorite episodes only had two actors in it, but the story was so solid and well written that it didn't matter.  It always allowed my imagination to peak right after i was done watching an episode, making me think about what was capable with just words.
 
The episode where i took this speech from was about a man from the future who travelled back in time and tried to change historical events, but, hard as he tried he could not.  So, he picks a time and city that should allow him to live in peace and nothing significant should happen in history for him to feel that he could have done something.
 
He's found lodging renting a room and during a communal dinner there is a very opinionated guest on the topic of what the US should do in order to achieve the greatness they deserve.  It all involves attacking, conquering and burying the flag nice and deep into foreign soil.  Our lead character holds his tongue only for so long before he owns him with this speech, after "Mr Hanford" asks him if he's some sort of tree hugging hippie (I'm paraphrasing) (i don't think hippies had bloomed yet) (i guess i should have said like some sort of beatster?) (anyway).  My favorite phrase is when he calls him an "arm chair warrior", fucking love that.  I had to share it.
 
From the episode No Time Like The Past.
 
No, I'm just some kind of sick idiot who's seen too many young men die because of too many old men like you who fight their battles at dinning room tables...and i take offense at arm chair warriors who don't know what shrapnel feels like, or what death smells like after 3 days in the sun, or the look in a man's eyes when he realizes he's minus a leg and his blood is seeping out.  Mr Hanford, you have great enthusiasm for planting the flag deep, but, you don't have a nodding acquaintance with what it's like bury men in the same soil...no, no, you'll go back to your bank and it'll be business as usual until the next dinner time when you'll give us another of your vacuous speeches about a country growing strong by filling it's graveyards.  Well you're in for some gratifying times Mr. Hanford, you can believe me.  There will be a lot of graveyards for you to fill, in Cuba, then in France, then all over Europe and all over the Pacific.  And you can sit on the sidelines and wave your penance because according to your definition, this country is going to get as virile as the devil from San Juan to Inchon.  We'll show how red our blood is because we'll spill it.  There are two unfortunate aspects to this, one is that you won't have to spill any and the other is you won't live long enough to know I'm right.

Quick update, that will hopefully remind me to write here more often

I’m not settled, things are settle, but I am on a plateau. The last month or so has been a lot of moving around, a lot of visits, a lot of “it’s going to get better”.  It was good to see my family, it had been too long.  But, I had this migraine headache constantly reminding me that I had no path to follow and the uncertainty of tomorrow.  Well, many tomorrows have passed and slowly i’m falling into a routine.  The headache is gone and I’m slowly just looking forward to the next step, maybe not tomorrow, cause the days blend into one long wait.  I’m just walking forward, inclined, putting one foot in front of the other waiting for that chance when I can set my bags down and rest.

 

Now, I had prepared for this, I knew good things weren’t just going to fall on my lap for me to play with or discard.  But, I’m a working man, I need to work, I don’t know how to do anything else.  I looked at the first few weeks as the vacation I had not taken in 6 years.  After, it’s started getting depressing a little.  My wanton need to work ruined any relaxation I tried to achieve.  All those things I once used to relax and end my day, have now become a reminder of what I am not doing.

 

Like I said, in the timeline I imagined I am right on schedule, I just didn’t think it was going to take this toll on my psyche.  Luckily, I have supportive friends that will respond to a text or a call when needed.  They help pass the time.  But something needs to happen soon before I lose my freaking mind.

Regarding my departure

From the get-go Miami and i weren't a good fit, there was something rude and aggressive about this city that rubbed me the wrong way.  Being a transplant, let alone coming from Los Angeles, made it that much harder to get used to things here.  On the other hand, my Dr friend she came from the NE coast and fucking loves it here. But, she's a little weird, being from Minnesota and all, i mean come on.  But, the job was good, my landlord was great and i have been the most productive here.  I gave myself the space to be creative, something i had not been able to do back in Cali.  I've met some great people here that i will continue to stay in touch with.  Juan being one of them.  I mean, 5 years, that's giving it the old college try.

Where i go from here, i am not entirely sure yet.  I know i'm gonna go to LA and visit family but i'm not staying there.  I'm gonna take some me time and see where i end up.  Juan gave me the great idea that maybe, if my finances allow it, i can go intern somewhere.  I like that idea, it be a nice way to get my foot in the door of something i'm interested in.  I mean, who doesn't want an intern that is doing it for the love of it and not some college credit, right.

The next two weeks should be interesting, packing and getting my shit together.  I don't plan on taking anything back that wont fit in my car, everything else is out for sale or going to Goodwill.  I love that i can do that, i'm not attached to any of this crap.  My guitars, my clothes, my projector, my ps3, my recording gear and my writing stuff is all i'm taking with me.

Big news on this latest pod

So, the big news is i'm leaving Miami in about 3 weeks.  Something unexpected came up, that's usually the case right, and i'm pushing my leaved date by 2 months.  The future of the pod, well, it's up in the air.  I really like doing it and we're gonna bank some episodes so that we can keep it going until we can figure out what to do next.  The phone one's have worked out for us, but i hate that feeling of disconnection, of not feeding off each other's energy or inebriation.  Especially after last night's, i mean i would miss that type of connection.  We talked about anything and everything, it was great, beer and rum was flowing.  Good stuff is what i'm saying, i'll miss it and i think it might hurt the pod.  I did get a good idea from a friend to perhaps turn it into a video cast, but we'll see the mechanics of it.  I'll do the research like i always do, besides we have time, not too much but some.

Again, i can't thank you enough for listening.

Enjoy